Aloneness

Not feeling too well today. Its interesting that in the midst of suffering physical aliments, do I feel a deep connectedness with the Lord. It is during these times, am I crying out from the depths of my soul and am met there in my tears and anguish by the Lord, in such a way that I dont experience if not afflicted. It is sweet. It is comforting, though painful.

I see Christ clearer when my soul is afflicted. I often experience a deep sense of aloneness. The Lord has blessed me with His people and a community of believers who are convicted about the biblical perscription for community and doing life together. However, I believe it is the Lord’s hand, my lot in life, that I get overwhelmed with an aloneness. I believe it is the Lord drawing near to me, in a special way, (grace), that allows my soul to know the reality that He is my portion. What I mean is, there are times when nothing and no one, my soul longs for than the Lord. We say that a lot as believers, but when my soul knows the pain, burden, grief, comfort of aloneness, and when the Lord draws neigh in those times, is when I can truly testify that the Lord really is my portion. “…my flesh and my heart faileth, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I cannot articulate the pains of my heart, mind and soul. I cannot begin to tell you the warfare that I battle. I cannot express the internal struggles to love and delight in the One who has died to secure my joy in Him. I do not understand my heart, and am constantly overwhelmed with trying to discern it. My heart is like deep waters, I dont even know it. I am often deceived and tricked by it. It is a frustrating task to try to gain a hold and reign over my heart. I praise the Lord that He has conqured the indwelling sin, and has gifted me with His Holy Spirit to guide me where I am often deceived and to know Truth when my heart only knows sin and lies. I am a great sinner, and if not for the mercy and love of my Saviour, I would be lost, a greater sinner and faced with the consequences of my sins. Praise God for Jesus!

I am scattered in my thoughts right now. This is a testimony of the depths of my heart. There is so much hidden there, I am not coherent in expression right now. I am saddened. I am alone. But, I am confident, that though I may be physically alone, there are 3 that are ever present: Father, Son and Holy Spirit! Praise the Lord that I am never alone! For the Thrice Holy God is with me!

Today, in tears of pain, I began to contemplate the aloneness of my Saviour. Christ Jesus knew what it was to be abandoned by His friends. To condescen to the earth He created, being apart from His eternal Father (in physical distance), on a mission to save sinners, that no one else in the history of the world can and will ever relate to. He knew, while experiencing the wrath of His Father, abandonment for some time, as the Father looked away and unleashed His fury upon Him. Hearing the cries of our Suffering Servant, “My God, My God, Why have you forsaken Me?” I began to be comforted by the Truth that He truly can sympathize with me. True, in no way is my temporary and slight affliction to be compared to the Infinite One, but it is true that He became like man that He may sympathize with our weaknesses. What manner of love is this? I consider Isaiah 53. Surely He knows the degree and measure of my suffering.

My soul, though now, casted down, hopes in God, that one day, I shall see Him face to face and know pain no more. I will no longer struggle with coming to know Him, combating within the evils in my heart to see Him clearly. I will hope in the God of my salvation.

Suffering: it is His will. It is how we come to know Him. As my soul cries out, He inclines His ear and attends to my longings, for He delights in the one who finds refuge in Him, and it is then that He is most glorifed! I will bless the name of my Lord, for He truly is my portion and beautiful inheritance.

Praise the Lord for the gift of suffering!

-Phil 1:29

-Col 1:24